Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Rainman speaks

"Mom, I think Punky tried to commit suicide. When Punky crashed P's car, he hurt P. I can't stand him for that. P's my friend."

" Rainman, I know P's your friend and you are angry with Punky. Why do you think he tried to commit suicide?"

"Because he got drunk and hurt his foot. Punky doesn't like his life, and when he was driving P's car, he tried and pulled away at the last second. That's why Punky did a 360. Its just a stupid decision. Its his fault."

" Rainman, so you think that Punky tired to commit suicide and got scared at the very last moment?"

"Yes, I think he will probably try it again to get back at us. Every time Punky gets things good in life he screws things up. Its like black magic. It comes back three times worse."

"Black Magic might not be the word you are looking for, Son. I pretty sure you are talking about Karma."

"Yeah Karma. Punky just keeps screwing things up, wanting us to take him back. If we take him back he is gonna keep messing up. I just can't believe Punky did such a stupid thing. Maybe someday he will do it and then we will hafta bury him. I thought Punky was gonna take care of me. Now he probably wants me to take care of him. Once after Punky hurt his foot I heard him say that he would never drink again. Yeah rrriiiight!"

"I think that maybe now that Punky has been charged with a DUI he will get the help he needs. He can ask a judge for help and possibly be put in a drug and alcohol treatment center. This might be the best thing that's ever happened to Punky, however he needs to want the help. He has to admit to the problem.."

"He won't do that mom. Punky doesn't want to get help, cause he is stupid. He doesn't think he has a problem, he thinks everyone else has the problem. Have you noticed that he has made everyone go away? What ever happened to his friend Bob? He pushes all the responsibility to every one but his self."

"Rainman, your feelings are right. Right now today, he is not going to take responsibility however the courts will see things differently. Punky is a adult now, he is not a child anymore and he will have to pay the fines. Rainman, you know that this isn't your fault, right? You have not done anything wrong. Punky is responsible for his own choices. No one person put a gun to his head and made him get high."

"Yeah Mom, I know its not my fault, cause he's the DA word."

"Dumb Ass?"

"Yeah, he's a dumb ass. Lots of laughter. I love you mom, give me kisses."

Dam, having this conversation was absolutely heart breaking. My insides feel twisted. Thoughts are screaming inside my head. I feel like I just hit a brick wall. I am glad Punky is away from me because I am not sure what I would do to him if he were. I want to choke him. He doesn't care about himself, others or the destruction that he leaves behind. I am torn and I feel caught in a catch 22 situation. No matter what happens, Punky will always be my son. Nothing will ever change that fact. I love him and I have stood beside him through the good and the bad. Somewhere along the way, our relationship has become dysfunctional. I have enabled him. I admit that. Recently I have taken drastic measures to stop the cycle, and I am proud of the progress that I have made not only for myself but my entire family. For the first time in ten years I have the support of my ENTIRE family. Somehow I thought that all this support would make things easier, lift the heaviness that weighs on my heart. I guess that was just wishful thinking on my part.


N Posted by Rain at 2/21/2006 11:31:00 PM

1 Comments

  • Anonymous laine posted at 7:26 AM  
    wow.
    i know you wrote this quite a while ago. i feel like i need to catch up... i hope things are better.
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