This is Ocean Beach, California. Home of the West Coasts longest fishing pier. I spent many summers here in this small coastal community.I remember walking this pier as a child with my mom and dad. We would stop along the way and talk to the fishermen, asking what the catch was. Back in '68 I learned the fine art of surfing on this beach. I caught my first shark here in 1973. As a teenager, I spent many nights out on the pier, listening to music, catching fish, setting Lobster traps and smoking pot. It was on this pier that J. Told me he loved me.
"O.B" as the natives call it, has not changed much since the 50's or the 60's for that matter. Newport Avenue is home to some of the finest antique stores in Southern California. Such a laid back and relaxed atmosphere, I am always comfortable and at ease walking on its crowed sidewalks.
Once a week on Wednesdays, O.B hosts a free Farmers Market. Featuring farm fresh produce, breads and sweets from the local bakeries to freshly caught fish. My personal favorite is the flower vendors! I usually spend $30 or more on fresh flowers for each room in my house! Shh, I know I am spoiled!
After walking the Farmers Market, I decided that I was hungry and decided to stop at a local Taco Shop. The food is good, and really cheap. Just my kind of place! Sitting outdoors, at a wooden picnic table the view of the beach and the pier was awesome! It's also a great place to people watch. Listening to the local bongo players playing a hypnotic beat, watching the surfers change from wet suits to street clothes....Oh, sorry, I forgot where I was going there for a minute ;}
I dropped my napkin and as I reach down to pick it up I see these two guys walking on the other side of the street. Both are dressed all in black. I think to myself that they look familiar and as I look closer I realize that the guy closest to me is in fact my son Punky, and the other guy is his friend, T.
At the time, all these thoughts are running in my head.
I wonder what he is doing here? Oh, he must have the day off. I wonder how they got here? Then I notice this other guy coming from the opposite direction making what appears to be some kind of hand sign.
I am questioning myself. Did I just see that or was it in my head?
The gap between them comes closer, and I watch as my son reaches into his pocket only to pull it out again as the stranger offers his hand.
Oh shit! Punky is selling drugs! Oh fuck. Naw, I did not just see that. Yes you did! You are not stupid. Of course he is selling, it is his life now. Remember? When Punky was drunk, he told you that he wanted the "beach bum" life. Oh fuck! Fuck,fuck, fuck!
Just a brief handshake, a moment in time really! I just sat there watching as they continued on their separate ways. I sat there for a little while having this argument in my head.
I so want to deny this...You can't deny what you saw with your own eyes. Punky is a addict. How else is he going to support his drinking, his need for pot? He can't support his habits on a minimum wage job. This is not your problem, there is nothing you can do to change his situation.
You have done more than anyone else, you have given your all and then some. You need to take care of yourself. Your health is in the balance.
This doesn't mean that I don't love Punky because I do. Nothing is ever going to stop me from caring, ever. He is my son, always will be. However, I have four other family members at home that need me. I can't just focus on Rusty, it will be the death of me. I won't allow him to drag the rest of us down with him. The only person that can help Punky is himself. And its quite obvious that he is not ready.
Tomorrow is another day with new challenges and I would not miss it for anything.
N Posted by Rain at 2/23/2006 10:36:00 PM
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
"Mom, I think Punky tried to commit suicide. When Punky crashed P's car, he hurt P. I can't stand him for that. P's my friend."
" Rainman, I know P's your friend and you are angry with Punky. Why do you think he tried to commit suicide?"
"Because he got drunk and hurt his foot. Punky doesn't like his life, and when he was driving P's car, he tried and pulled away at the last second. That's why Punky did a 360. Its just a stupid decision. Its his fault."
" Rainman, so you think that Punky tired to commit suicide and got scared at the very last moment?"
"Yes, I think he will probably try it again to get back at us. Every time Punky gets things good in life he screws things up. Its like black magic. It comes back three times worse."
"Black Magic might not be the word you are looking for, Son. I pretty sure you are talking about Karma."
"Yeah Karma. Punky just keeps screwing things up, wanting us to take him back. If we take him back he is gonna keep messing up. I just can't believe Punky did such a stupid thing. Maybe someday he will do it and then we will hafta bury him. I thought Punky was gonna take care of me. Now he probably wants me to take care of him. Once after Punky hurt his foot I heard him say that he would never drink again. Yeah rrriiiight!"
"I think that maybe now that Punky has been charged with a DUI he will get the help he needs. He can ask a judge for help and possibly be put in a drug and alcohol treatment center. This might be the best thing that's ever happened to Punky, however he needs to want the help. He has to admit to the problem.."
"He won't do that mom. Punky doesn't want to get help, cause he is stupid. He doesn't think he has a problem, he thinks everyone else has the problem. Have you noticed that he has made everyone go away? What ever happened to his friend Bob? He pushes all the responsibility to every one but his self."
"Rainman, your feelings are right. Right now today, he is not going to take responsibility however the courts will see things differently. Punky is a adult now, he is not a child anymore and he will have to pay the fines. Rainman, you know that this isn't your fault, right? You have not done anything wrong. Punky is responsible for his own choices. No one person put a gun to his head and made him get high."
"Yeah Mom, I know its not my fault, cause he's the DA word."
"Yeah, he's a dumb ass. Lots of laughter. I love you mom, give me kisses."
Dam, having this conversation was absolutely heart breaking. My insides feel twisted. Thoughts are screaming inside my head. I feel like I just hit a brick wall. I am glad Punky is away from me because I am not sure what I would do to him if he were. I want to choke him. He doesn't care about himself, others or the destruction that he leaves behind. I am torn and I feel caught in a catch 22 situation. No matter what happens, Punky will always be my son. Nothing will ever change that fact. I love him and I have stood beside him through the good and the bad. Somewhere along the way, our relationship has become dysfunctional. I have enabled him. I admit that. Recently I have taken drastic measures to stop the cycle, and I am proud of the progress that I have made not only for myself but my entire family. For the first time in ten years I have the support of my ENTIRE family. Somehow I thought that all this support would make things easier, lift the heaviness that weighs on my heart. I guess that was just wishful thinking on my part.
N Posted by Rain at 2/21/2006 11:31:00 PM