Friday, April 07, 2006

A Sudden Loss.

Rainman called me yesterday after school to let me know that he was going over to a friend, JW house with another friend F. I told him that would be okay and that I wanted him to call me when he got to JW's house.

Around twenty minutes later I get a call from Rainman and he is crying and asking if I can come over to JW's house right now. Keeping Rainman on the phone, I flew out of the house, into my truck and ran a stop sign to get there. Shut up, you would do the same thing! Rainman was crying and could not answer the any of my questions except to say that he and F were safe in the house.

When I pulled up in front of my house I noticed that there were many people standing around outside, so I pulled over and double parked. As I run up to the front door this man looks at me and says "It's so horrible, isn't it?" Not saying anything I continue in the front door to try and find my son.

JW was fifteen years old. He put a gun to his head and killed himself just two days before in his bedroom. He left a suicide note, which I was allowed to read. Without going into details it was the saddest thing I have ever read. He was trying to escape from certain situations that seemed impossible to deal with, he just could not cope with his feelings, and he felt that he had no one person that he trusted to turn to. His funeral has yet to be arranged.

Needless to say I had a very long discussion with Rainman. He asked many questions and kept going over the last time Rainman had seen JW last week. I asked him if he expressed any warning signs that he was going to kill himself. He said he did not think so or he could not remember any. We talked about depression and drug use. I explained to him that often times adults as well as teenagers might be trying to escape feelings of hurt, or loss. Feelings such as anger, being ashamed or guilt, feeling unloved or unwanted, being victimized, or just feeling like a burden to others can lead to suicide.

You may be wondering what the warning signs are. Here are just some of the possible signs that someone may be thinking about or planning a suicide attempt:
  • Talking about suicide or death in general.
  • Talking about "going away".
  • Referring to things they "won't be needing," and giving away possessions
  • Talking about feeling hopeless or feeling guilty.
  • Pulling away from friends or family and losing the desire to go out
  • Having no desire to take part in favorite things or activities.
  • Having trouble concentrating or thinking clearly
  • Experiencing changes in eating or sleeping habits.
  • Engaging in self-destructive behavior (drinking alcohol, taking drugs or cutting)

I can't imagine the grief that JW's family will be dealing with in the years ahead. Questions that were left unanswered in his note will always be in the forefront of their minds. The coulda~shoulda~ woulda thoughts that have kept JW's family sleepless. My heart goes out to JW's family and I am so sorry for their loss.

I will pray, meditate, light a candle, read and cook because that is how I deal things.

Tonight lets all keep in mind that we need to listen to our own inner voices, with out delay. We need to listen more to our friends and family, be not so quick to dismiss their views and get them the help they need.

If you or anyone that you know has any of the above signs please call 1-800-SUICIDE. They are there to help.

Or visit here to get the help you need.

This has been edited for the privacy of the family.

N Posted by Rain at 4/07/2006 01:58:00 PM

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Life without you

My personal happiness does not depend on you or you.
You are not responsible for my happiness or any one else's.
You have no control over my actions, thoughts or desires.
They are all mine exclusively.
I am sorry that I don't have your script in my hands.
I don't have the same feelings that you feel.
I don't see things the same way you do.
We are not one in the same.
I admit the mistakes that I have made.
I've taken full responsibility.
I've paid my dues.
You believe that I think I am better than You and You.
That is just not the case, I am no better than anyone.
I've picked up the shattered pieces of my life and moved on.
I've learned my lessons well.
I can look in my mirror and live with myself.
Can either of you say the same?
You believe that I have forgotten my roots,
my "place" and where I come from.
I carry those and so many others as a badge of honor
that lift my spirits higher and higher.
I will not allow You or You to continue to pull me down.
Make me feel bad about myself.
Listen to your whispers that feed my insecurities.
Or hate myself.
I will continue to feed my desires, hopes and dreams without
the either of you.

N Posted by Rain at 4/05/2006 09:37:00 PM

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

What, I can't miss three days of school?

While having coffee with my Dad this morning I found out that he has given Punky a lot of money in the last week. He told me that he is really disappointed in his grandson and that he is having problems keeping his faith in him. I never thought I would hear those words coming out of my dads mouth let alone seeing the anguish it has caused him. I expressed my empathy at the situation to my dad and waited for his optimism to come bubbling up to the surface. Nothing. I fear that Punky finally pulled "the straw that broke the camels back." It's really hard to see a seventy four year old man with a broken heart.

When I got home there was a message on my answering machine from Punkys boss, S. She called and explained that since she had no way of getting a hold of him ( because he lost his phone) that she wanted him to come in on Wednesday to pick up his final paycheck and that she needs the keys to the store back. Shittypoopiefarty! He has lost his job, what a dumbass!

Rainman is really upset right now and hates both his father and I. Rainmans girlfriend A., is leaving in the morning to go to Disneyland for three days, with her grandmother C and A's brother B. C came over two days ago and invited Rainman to go with them. There is no way that I could allow him to go, he has school. Boy did that boy get upset! While trying to get us to have a change of heart, Punky came up with some very valid points as to why he should be able to go. "I have good grades!" It's true he has a 3.8 average in Special Ed. I am very proud of Punky, he has overcome many obstacles. School is the number one priority, he can't miss three days of school. "You have met A's grandmother and her Dad P, you know them both!" That is also true. I have spoken to C twice once on the phone and another time for two minutes when she picked up A from my house. A's dad also picked her up once from my home. That makes them strangers in my book, sorry kiddo! "You guys are not allowing me to have my independence!" Nothing could be further from the truth. He needs to stay focused so when he gets out of school he will have the skills to be independent. All in good time my sweet, all in good time :)

Its really raining hard now and am glad I fertilized my roses this afternoon. Life is good...Except when your a teenager and suffering from parental suffocation.

N Posted by Rain at 4/04/2006 10:31:00 PM

Monday, April 03, 2006

Go Padres

Padres 6 San Franscio Giants 1
I love Baseball.
I am glad it did not rain on the Padres parade!
Mike Piazza hits a home run on his first at bat. Yay!
Its going to be a very long season for Barry Bonds. Oh boohoo.

N Posted by Rain at 4/03/2006 10:39:00 PM