Coat
by Peg Bovers

At eleven I learned to lie.
Disobedience and its partner,
deception, became my constant companions.

How enormous then that first transgression,
against Father's command, a sin damning as Adam's:
walking to school alone.

We all lied, mother explained,
it was. . .necessario.
How else to survive

Father's rages,
his sweeping interdicts
and condemning opinions?

Oh sweet allegiance of lies:
siblings and mother bound
together in a cozy tie!

My brothers' lies
were manly,
obdurate, built to last.

Mother's were infirm little things,
infected from birth by her obstinate grace,
fated to die as soon as they hit the air.

But this lie, the lie about me, was sturdy,
knit, as it was, from the fiber of maternal love
and a wife's defiance.

Go ahead; it's right.
Walk alone. Grow up.
Each assurance a coercion, each coercion a shame.

The lie was a coat of mail
I'd don each day, threading my arms
through its leaden sleeves,
pulling its weight over my head,
steeling myself
for my father's wrath.

In it I was strong and getting stronger,
but tired, always tired.
Oh to rest, shuck the lie and confess!

Father forgive me, I knew not what I did!
At night I'd rehearse the lines
and pray for his cleansing fury.

In the morning I'd meet him in the hall,
already crabby in his gray lab coat,
barking his harsh observations

about my robe (pink: ridiculous)
about my face (vacant)
about my voice (inaudible).

Mother, how did we produce such an insect!

I was used to this.

Exasperated, he would stuff his red frizz into a beret,
hurl himself into his loden cape
and bolt out the gate--too rushed for truths.

Silenced again, I would resume my solitary mission,
lugging my books, wearing my lie to school
and back again, through the maze of city streets.

One day the mist briefly lifted and I saw
the winter sun pulsing silver and pale
through a hole in the sky--a quiet disk
hopeful as the moon.

A face emerged, white whiskers smiling,
familiar, professorial--an angel perhaps,
or a friend of the family--
here to guide me safely
across the river to school.

He took my bag and my arm,
allaying my fears with talk
calculated to soothe, flatter, amuse.
Gentile, cosí gentile.

Ever faithful, he met me at my gate
morning after sweet morning.

We chatted carelessly the whole way,
intimate as lovers,
never a snag
or worry to hold us up--

I, grateful and happy,
he gently leading the way.
My trust deepened daily with his purpose
and burrowed

in the snug darkness of short days
where the new lie took root.
From deep in the loam, the probing
stem pushed to the surface.

Meanwhile, the first lie grew light with practice.
And my coat assumed
the comfort of a uniform.

His purpose, obscured from the start by fear,
suppressed tenaciously
by innocence--canny innocence--

flared up in a question,
betraying an ignorance
both clear and obscene:

"Little Girl, would you touch me--here?"

Suddenly my hand, sweetly warming
in his flannel pocket, was pushed
to the hard, oozing center.

My hand recoiled.
But the ooze stuck.
In that minute my childhood ended.

I ran home as fast as my legs would carry me
to hide my shame in the place
where secrets were made and kept,

willful little liar, disobedient
sinner trying to find my way alone
through fog, through lies.

My life was filling up with secrets
and deceit's secretions,
loneliness and melancholy.

I hugged my coat tight against my body
so that the lies and I were one.

From Hard Bread by Peg Boyers. Copyright © 2002 by Peg Boyers.

Want to know more?

Characteristics of and research on perpetrators of physical, sexual, emotional, and Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy abuse.

Studies indicate that one in five children have some sort of mental, behavioral, or emotional problem, and that one in ten may have a serious emotional problem.

Have a good day everyone, comments are always appreciated.

Labels: child abuse, Mental Illness Awareness Week

N Posted by Rain at 10/12/2006 09:45:00 AM

3 comments from:  Anonymous,  Marie,  Chris,

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Women in the Arts

Self-Portrait

Angelica Kauffman

Oil on canvas.

Between 1780 and 1785

Angelica Kauffman (1741-1807) was one of the most prominent and respected female artists of the 18th century. During a three-year stay in Italy, the Swiss-born artist made her reputation as a painter of portraits.

Virgil Writing His Own Epitaph
Angelica Kauffman (17885)
Oil on canvas

While in Rome, Kauffman mixed with the English community as well as individuals visiting on the Grand Tour. She also became part of the burgeoning circle of artists, architects, archaeologists, and historians who looked to the Greek and Roman empires as sources for inspiration in their art.

John Morgan
Angelica Kauffman
1773-1789
Oil on canvas

Having made English connections through the community in Rome, she moved to London in 1766. Kauffman soon became a respected society portraitist.

Insane Mary
Angelica Kauffman
1768
Oil on canvas

She joined Joshua Reynolds and Thomas Gainsborough as an early member of the Royal Academy and became one of only two female founding Academicians in December 1768.

********************************************

This weekend I received some rather disturbing news about my oldest son, Rusty (formally known as Punky). He has been arrested and is facing multiple charges including a felony. I refuse to speculate on the issues surrounding his arrest and I will be writing more when the facts of the case come out.

As some of you may know, I am a huge believer in taking personal responsibility for our actions. With that in mind I will not bail my son out of jail or provide him with our family lawyer. This was not an easy decision to make and I need to consider my own mental health. Thankfully my father and Stuccoman (Rusty's father) are in complete agreement with this decision.

That is all for now, have a good day everyone. Comments are always appreciated.

Labels: Women in Arts

N Posted by Rain at 10/10/2006 09:29:00 AM

3 comments from:  Geoffe,  Rain,  Chris,

Monday, October 09, 2006

Monday's Glamour

Dorothy Lamour

1914-1996

"Glamour is just sex that got civilized."
"I won't play dirty roles. Let some other actress play whorehouse madames."

Arturo DeCordova

1908-1973

Mexican actor Arturo De Cordova was put under contract at Paramount during the 1940’s and starred as a French Pirate in the big budget Technicolor film “Frenchmen’s Creek” (1944)

Enjoy!

How was your weekend?

N Posted by Rain at 10/09/2006 08:04:00 AM

4 comments from:  Marie,  Lyndon,  Rain,  Frances D,