Mom

Thank you for the life lessons, good, bad or ugly you are the best teacher I ever had.
You taught me to recognize and trust my basic instincts, to use my brain and not my vagina when it came to making the right choices.
You were my only true cheerleader.
I did not realize that then, and I wish I could have been more appreciative when it was happening.
I remember that you used to tell me, "be careful,one day you will remember those words!

Mom, I remember saying things to you and if I could go back in time, I would have kept them to myself.

It was not your fault and I understand now that you had very little control over your emotions or your actions.
I also understand that there were only two medically approved "cures" and neither of them were acceptable to you or to us.
Self medication.
Drug addiction to both prescribed and illegal drugs.
Desperation.
Alone in a world understood by no one, not even yourself.

Because of your illness...
I learned to deal with all of my fears head on,
How to protect myself in very dangerous situations, using whatever means to get out alive.
To be aware of my surroundings and be alert at all times.
Rules are not always set in stone and that there are exceptions to every rule.
Question everything, read in between the lines and to live life in the here and now.
Stay informed, well read and up to date on current issues.
That trust is never a given, it has to be earned.
Abuse it, poof off with their heads!

That "love" and "like" do not go hand in hand with each other.
Kids need to be kids, not miniature adults.
Babies, toddlers, little kids and teenagers need a parent not a best friend.
Parents "shield" their children, not the other way around.

When discussing sex be open, honest and explain that it is not dirty or unnatural.
When doing the above and to preserve the sanity of my children, I will never discuss my private sex life with them.
Sometimes my mom gave me way to much information, especially when under the influence and that was all of the time.

I understand that you're wanting to die was not selfish act, it was your acceptance of things to come.
Thank you for trying helping me prepare for your death.
Although nothing could truly prepare me for that time in my life.
You tried your very best.
The only way you knew how.

Everyday for three months we prepared for that faithful day,
Cataloged possessions, took pictures and documented deeds.
You made your decisions with your dignity intact and with loving grace.
Mom covered all of her bases, took care of all her personal affairs including leaving instructions on tying up personal loose ends that were to be done within two hours of her death.
She made sure she had a twirl on the dance floor, the last laugh and as always the last word.
Revenge.
Bittersweet Revenge.
Just ask my father. That is a post all by itself.

The night she passed
A sense of calm came over me.
I was at peace with everything and so was she.

I miss my mom. Sigh.

N Posted by Rain at 5/14/2006 03:59:00 PM

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