Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Overwhelming Sadness

"The truth is incontrovertible.
Malice may attack it,
ignorance may deride it,
but in the end, there it is."
~Winston Churchill


I am hurt and I am angry.
And it really is all my own doing.
I could have prevented the anger and the pain I am feeling today years ago.
I know that now hell, I knew it then.
I made a promise to my mother on her death bed that I would give my dad a second chance, and to look out for him.
Being an only child, I realized at a very early age that the day would come when I would stand alone in this world.
The thought terrified me.
Over the years I have come to terms with it although it fills me with indescribable emptiness.
I keep my word. It's all I have and in doing so I have made choices that I thought were best for my kids and myself.
I forgave the past. Let it drop and moved forward. Notice I said "forgive" not "forgotten".
I must admit my dad is a much better Grandpa than he ever was as a father.
Supportive. Loving. A constant cheerleader. Forgiving.
My boys have both gained from having him in their lives.
For that I am forever grateful.
I wish I could say the same for our relationship.
We both have protected the kids from our past grievances and the pain that is associated it.
My dad is haunted by the past... The life he had with my mom and I.
Every time he looks at me he sees the ghost of my mother. I look exactly like her.
Even when she was still alive, he treated us one and the same.
He has never been able to separate, it is his own stubbornness.
He'd say "you are just like your mother"!
For years I took that as an insult. that's an unpublished book in itself, maybe someday..
Now, years later I have a much greater understanding of her and myself.
He has been offered the same opportunities for understanding as I have.
Dad has rejected them all.
Sorry Dad, it is a valid mental health issues. Come on you can say it..Bi Polar.
I call it his "blanket excuse" to avoid taking responsibility for his actions.
Without coming to terms with the truth he can continue to point his finger and stay in denial.
Denial is his comfort zone.
I refuse to walk along the same path and he knows it.
That's the reason for the pain and anger I am experiencing today.
For the past three weeks my only other living relative was in town, staying with him and his wife "Clueless".
My one and only "Auntie Dixie Doo", seventy eight years young, and I worship the ground she walks on.
She has been a constant source of support and love.
My personal cheerleader.
A true optimist, always pointing to the good in everything.
She has always been an inspiration to me.
Never being one to shy away from the truth and honesty she tells it like she sees it.
During her visit, he did everything in his power to prevent us from spending time together.
You are probably thinking "Why would he do that?"
Let me explain my theories;
  1. Fear. He may fear that his sister might find out something about his past that he does not want her to know. I know that it terrifies him every time I am around "Clueless"...There are many issues she knows nothing about.
  2. Concern for his sister. Is it her health? That I would not be able to handle a possible medical emergency? She has lung disease. Maybe he feels that I may unload all of my troubles on to her? Maybe he is worried that I may be out to get an "inheritance"? Actually the exact opposite is true, I encourage her to live her life to the fullest. She has worked so hard her entire life, its time for her to enjoy the fruits of her labor.
  3. Confrontation. My Auntie Dixie Doo will not "sugar coat" her views on any subject including her thoughts and feelings concerning the dynamics of our family. Perhaps I may snap and confront him in front of every one?
  4. Control. She is totally dependent on him to get from one place to another. She does not want to drive on California Freeways. He brought her over on Wednesday and said that he would be back at 3:00. He came to pick her up at 12:00 WTF? Why can't I bring her back to your house when she is ready? Oh no...Clueless made other plans, sorry. Don't worry I am bringing her back on Monday at 8:00am, the day before she leaves.
  5. Hate. My father secretly hates me and wants pay back for the two years I lived at home after he retired from the Navy. The man called me a whore when I was ten, and I was his favorite excuse for his drunken fights with my mom. After all I was raised by my mother, so it was all her fault too. I was 16 years old when I left home, never to return to live under his roof again.

Monday morning I got up early to make a breakfast of fresh fruits, bacon, eggs and blueberry muffins for the three of us. I was really excited, I had made an appointment at the day spa for a facial and pedi cure for both my Aunt and I as a surprise. Eight clock came and went. Breakfast got cold and I drank the entire pot of coffee. At nine I called my dads house and the phone was busy. Called back at 9:10 and their was no answer. I figured they were on their way to my house (a twenty minute drive in traffic) so I put another pot of coffee on. I drink two more cups and now I am bouncing around from all the caffeine. At 9:45 I start calling my dads cell phone, no answer so I leave a message. No return call..Nothing. Now I am getting worried. I again try both my dads cell and home phone leaving messages. I call Clueless' private number only to get a busy signal. At this point I am scared. My dad is 75 years old and his sister is 78! I am thinking that they are dead on the side of a road somewhere. At 10:30 my phone rings and its my dad. He asks if the number that he has for Punky is still valid and I tell him yes, it is still valid. I start to ask my dad if he is okay and a phone starts ringing in the background. My dad cuts me off saying that he will call me back, that he must take that call. So I wait and wait. Nothing. I call him back a hour later. No answer. I leave a message. He finally calls me back at 7:3:00pm to tell me that I need to say goodbye to my Aunt. I am angry and hurt. The only thing I could think of at the time was to say to him was that "I am glad I did not hold my breath waiting for his call because I would be dead by now." The next thing I hear is my Aunts voice saying that she loves me and that she wishes that she could have seen more of me!

At this point you are probably asking yourself;

  • Why couldn't you just go and pick her up yourself? Does she not have transportation?Yes, I have my own transportation however, picking her up was not a option. My father lives in Clueless' home, and I am not welcome there. I have been formally invited into their home twice in the last thirteen years. Both times were milestone birthdays for my dad and I felt unwelcome and unwanted in their home.
  • Are there issues between Rain and Clueless? Why? The answer to that question is another post entirely. I'll make it short and sweet. Any possible relationship between us was doomed from the start. The first time I met her I was only thirteen years old, and she was "the other woman" in my fathers life. Enough said.
  • Is it possible that maybe "Auntie" made the decisions on when she wanted to see Rain? Sure, it is possible. Anything is possible right? I believe with my whole heart that my Auntie was truly expressing her sadness that we were not able to spend more time with one another. Also, she had explained to me that she had wanted to come over so she could take a bath in my new bath tub. Unfortunately, there are is only a shower stall where she lives, no bath tubs.

This post really sucks. Life sometimes sucks. Where's the cheesecake?


N Posted by Rain at 3/14/2006 12:08:00 PM

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