The following is a conversation between myself and my best friend L.F
L.F~For thirteen years I have stood by and watched as you begged, pleaded and screamed out for support from your family and now that you finally have it you are not happy. Why are you not saying "now you understand what I have been saying all these years!"
Rain~ I can not point my finger anymore and say "I told you so", it does not change anything. It certainly does not make me feel any better, and besides its to late for all of that".
L.F~What do you mean to late, to late for what?
Rain~ They need to take a close look at themselves in the mirror and deal with their own guilt and years of denial. Who am I to say I told you so?
L.F~Do you honestly believe things would be different if you would have had the entire support of your family?
Rain~Are you fucking kidding? Of course things would be different. Kids learn early on what they can and can not get away with. They play the parents against each other. Instead of a united front he learned that his Father or Grandpa would give in and allow him to do anything he wanted.
L.F~Are you expressing anger?
Rain~No. I am no longer angry. I am numb. Besides, despite what many people believe, I don't feel any joy in being right about this. I was very angry for a long period of time. I needed to let it go because carrying the anger became heavy, effecting my health and sanity. Life is to short to live in anger.
L.F~People have expressed that you are eerily calm, are you taking your meds?
Rain~Yes I am taking my meds. I don't like taking them however, I also know that with out them I would be in real trouble. Knowing this doesn't make it any easier because I like the way I feel when I am not taking them.
L.F~Does this mean you have given up on Punky?
Rain~No, I will never give up hope for Punky or his future. Achohol and drug abuse will never change the fact that he is my son. I come from a long line of Alcoholics/Drug Abusers, and I have seen some of them become sober and change their lives for the better. I can't do this for Punky, he needs to do this for himself.
L.F~Maybe he is your tormenter?
Rain~Oh no, he is not! I refuse to allow him to become my tormenter. He isn't strong enough or tough enough. I am not responsible for his actions or his choices. They are not a reflection of me or my morals and values. I did the best I could to raise him.
L.F~I think you are fooling yourself, Rain. I think you are setting yourself up for another fall. It isn't a matter of "if" he hurts you it's "when". Why do you still speak to him? Why go see him at his work?
Rain~That's a tough question. First let me clear a few misconceptions, I have laid eyes on him three times since the sixth of February. I saw him in O.B and I did not speak to him. The other two times were of MY choosing, once to pick up a pair of scissors and the next to drop off his clippers. Secondly, Punky calls me daily and since I CHOOSE not to answer my phone he leaves messages letting me know he is okay. No harm, no foul.
L.F~What do you think the future holds for Punky?
Rain~Jail time for sure, he has a bench warrant out already. It is just a matter of time. I have suggested to him that he should ask the Judge for help with his recovery. He does not like the suggestion because he doesn't have a problem. Oh, I just realized that, if he goes to jail Punky now he qualifies for the prison tattoo "Momma Tried"!
L.F~Jeez, that's so sad.
Rain~Yeah it is.
N Posted by Rain at 3/05/2006 01:08:00 AM